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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, outta nowhere, her mom barges in. And wow, she’s like a tornado of opinions. “No, honey, that color is too bright!” “What about this hairstyle?” I’m just standing there, trying not to roll my eyes. I’m like, “Lady, I’m the stylist here!” But I keep it cool. Gotta keep the peace, right?

Nestor Makhno, the anarchist of the Ukrainian countryside